Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
