So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
