Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
