I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
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My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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