He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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