I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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