My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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