I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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