i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Still dying that you shit outside
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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