so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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