I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
