I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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