Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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