Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
