mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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