Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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