you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
