i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
