just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
