Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
