I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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