I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
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His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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