I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
