Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
