dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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