So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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