My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
