Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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