if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Randomize
