Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
