I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
