Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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