My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
