Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I didn't shave. On purpose
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
