help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
