please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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