3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
being pregnant is like rehab
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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