Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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