I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize