I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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