do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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