your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
