i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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