my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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