He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
