3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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