So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
