Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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