If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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