Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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