i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
