You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
