How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Randomize
