FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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